Mary on the Half Shell

Mary on the Half Shell

Verse 1
Back in Wisconsin, down the street,
Every third yard had holy concrete,
Geraniums, gravel, a bowling-ball lawn,
And half of a bathtub with the plumbing gone.

They buried the faucet end deep in the ground,
Turned that old tub till the arch came around,
Put Mary inside with a heavenly glow—
Right next to the hose and the plastic flamingo.

Chorus
Oh, Mary on the Half Shell, watching the yard,
Blessing the begonias and the old Dodge Dart.
Claw-foot cathedral, porcelain shrine,
Our Lady of Kohler looking mighty fine.
No marble grotto, no cathedral bell—
Just Mary, Mother of God, on the Half Shell.

Verse 2
Maybe Grandma brought the custom from Rome,
Poland or Ireland or somewhere back home,
But Grandpa looked out at the junk by the shed,
Saw an old white bathtub and scratched his head.

“Why buy a grotto? We got one right here!”
He hauled it outside with a six-pack of beer,
Dug a big hole and declared with pride,
“The Blessed Virgin’s got curb appeal now, Clyde.”

Chorus
Oh, Mary on the Half Shell, watching the yard,
Blessing the begonias and the old Dodge Dart.
Claw-foot cathedral, porcelain shrine,
Our Lady of Kohler looking mighty fine.
No marble grotto, no cathedral bell—
Just Mary, Mother of God, on the Half Shell.

Bridge
She saw every barbecue, every snow,
Every kid who cut through where he shouldn’t go,
Every Packers flag and every lawn sale sign,
Standing there patient through rain and shine.

Verse 3
Then modern bathrooms came sleek and new,
And nobody knew what the old tubs should do.
Some went to scrap, some became flower beds,
But the luckiest ones got halos instead.

So here’s to the saints of the Wisconsin lawn,
Where faith and recycling somehow got along,
A little bit sacred, a little bizarre—
With Mary keeping watch by the family car.

Final Chorus
Oh, Mary on the Half Shell, queen of the yard,
Patron saint of plumbing that worked way too hard.
Claw-foot cathedral beneath the pine,
Our Lady of Kohler looking mighty fine.
From Milwaukee to Beloit, you knew her well—
Sweet Mary, Mother of God, on the Half Shell.

Tag
Ave Maria…
And somebody turn off that garden hose.